I found my soldier girl!
She's so far away!
She makes my head spin around!
I found my soldier girl!
She's so far away!

sixty-four squares: done.

now i have to sew them all together. and knit a border. hurrah! i want to be done by thursday. haha!

for the record, i don't think doctor zhivago is romantic. i want to punch everyone in the face except tonia and her father. and they get screwed. and i do want to punch them a little.

saturday night! seriously guys.

this is decidedly one of the shittiest libraries in the world. there are about two hundred books, total, and half of the ones in the catalog aren't on the shelf. (i want to read some kurt vonnegut - 5 books are listed at this branch, none on shelf.) i just finished doctor zhivago in three days. my netflix movies haven't arrived yet, even though they were supposed to be here long times ago. i have no life, and am out of things to entertain myself with in my room.

i have the aida soundtrack on my mp3 player, and i really like it, but i've never seen the play. this needs to be fixed.

i can see some toni morrison books! good.

it's funny, because i don't really care if bella reads my curriculum. it's done and i'm happy with it, although i'm going to tweak it a little before thursday. It's 21 pages long. I will be giving bella exactly 45 pages of stuff, and i don't really care what she does with it. i just finished my first curriculum. this is what i want to do, guys. i'm really happy.

i've been listening to queen a lot lately.

only a worksheet & a class paper left to go! i won't finish today, but that's okay? also, i haven't done german homework since spring break. so that needs to get done.

ps. Clare: "I'd rather have a penguin-panda-baby than a real baby any day."

referring to a future knitting project of mine.

the slc anon post got deleted? wtf, guys.

i'm hella curious to know why.

one rough draft done, one night of drunken studying ahead. ahoy. ihop.

ungh.
overwhelmed.
27 pages of OUTLINE and single-spaced and still not done.
death death death
because they aren't going to let me turn this in. (Glenn's is going to be a normal length, fine. only about 10 pages of the outline are for him. ok. but why did i read so much curriculum theory?!@ last week glenn was like oh! you should read this book, too, and i was like ok! BUT i'm not going to do it! what a rebel. 197 quotes typed up! i still have four articles and a book to go through, not including the PILE of stuff i haven't read yet! omg. insane.)

I should just stop, and start writing the paper. Um.

That actually sounds like a really good idea.

14 single-spaced pages
22 sources
between 30-40 articles
83 citations

and i'm not even half-way done. i got in way over my head, but i'm still loving it. i'm not allowed to write one big paper, but i'm doing it that way for now and i'll separate them after.

also, i should mention, i've watched 35(!!!) episodes of shitty anime so far this week. this is somewhat indicative of how much work i've done (i use them as breaks), but also indicative of my mind dying.

ps.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=rTzhEOgl42M

i always thought she shouldn't have ended up with henry higgens, anyway. he's an ass.

Question!  If I were to be naked in my apartment for the rest of the night, would that be okay?  Clare will be by soon, but I don't think she'd mind much.  Anyway.  It's really fucking hot in my room.

The weather today was lovely.  T-Shirts!  I sat outside & read in central park at 5:25 p.m. in a t-shirt.  amazing!

I have an apartment for this summer!!!  I am living in Williamsburg (Brooklyn), off the Bedford station.  On South 2nd Street.  I'm sharing an apartment with a very nice girl named Meghan who I think is my sister's age or so.  The apartment is cute and no stairs!  It is fully furnished and very nice & yay!  Something went right.  Now, how will I pay for this summer?!?!  Who knows.

My skin is really soft.  : )  Yay new moisturizers!  Also sparlky!  I'm feeling optimistic for the first time in months.  I know it won't last long, but I'm enjoying it while it's here, and I know it will come back.

dear ella emailing me whenever an assistant position opens at the museum -
i love you for it, because i know it means that you think they would hire me eventually (i.e. post-graduation), but um it's making me really impatient.  but don't stop.  because i think i would cry.
thanks.

in other news!  my body will not get tan and i am very upset with it.  or, i can't tell anymore because my tan lines are already distinct.  i think i'll wear a different bathing suit tomorrow.

also, pedicure tomorrow!  and eyebrow wax!  and more tanning!  and lunch with my dad!

i can't stop listening to the les mis soundtrack.  i think it's a throwback to middle school, my dad's car, the only cd my sisters and i could agree on, but that's ok.  my plan: i'm going to read the book and, when I'm done with that, I'm going to TKTS some tickets.  anyone up for that?  I will probably be may/summer, unless i read that instead of conference work.

i went rock climbing today!  i climbed to the top of a forty-foot wall twice and jumped off it!  I think such trust exercises are good for me, even though all I'm learning to trust is a pulley.

Meh!  This house is cranky.  I want to finish my socks!  they're in this yarn:
http://www.fullthreadahead.com/shopping/yarn/index.php?fc=86
color 728.  i wonder if wally's family still wears the socks i made them.  it's funny how the little things are irritating.

headlines!

es hat kein Sinn.  Ich will glucklich oder frohlich sein, aber ich kann das nicht machen.  Ich bin immer sauer, immer traurig, immer leise.  Wo bin ich, diese ich, die ich frueher war?  Ich bin glucklich nur wenn ich mit menschen bin.  Ich vermisse meine Freundinnen und Mitbewohnerinnen.  Ich vermisse das Gefuhl, verliebt.

Alle drei Katzen sind an meinem Bett.  Ich liebe sie sehr.  Ich will, dass sie fuer mich genug sein kann, wie wenn ich an der schule war, aber sie sind leider nicht genug.  Ich brauche etwas mehr, dass gibt nicht.

Ich will jeden morgen in warmen armen aufwachen, aber es gibt keine warmen armen, nicht fuer mich.

Ich will an etwas glauben, aber ausser mein eigene Herz gibt es nichts.

Das konnte besser sein, haette ich meine woerterbuch jetzt mit mir gehabt.

Gibt es jemand, der mich eigentlich lieben kann?  Bitte, Gott.  Zeig mir etwas glucklich, etwas besser als jetzt.  Jetzt ist schade, obwohl ich weiss es kann aerger sein.  Es kann immer aerger sein.  Das habe ich diese zwei Monate gelernt, und ich wollte es nie wissen.

Ich habe auch gelernt, das es gibt fuer mich kein zuhause.  Nirgendwo.  Ein Tag, vielleicht, wenn ich aufgewachsen bin.  Nicht jetzt, nicht vorgestern, und nicht bald.  Wenn was die letzte Mal.  Ich meine, wenn ich vierzehn Jahre alt war.  Ich will etwas Mebel haben, und ein bisschen sicherheit in Leben (nicht unbedingt Geld, aber Liebe und Vertrauen, und viel Stabilitaet).

Ich bin etwas Muede.  Ich habe nur vier oder funf Stunde geschlafen.

they  were holding hNDS!~  I NEVER Wnt to to e sober agian because i dont wANT to deal with this!  why am i so unloveable~>1?  Why am i so unayttractive?  i ccwnt type.  everythig tingles~!  i widh i never had to deal with this again.

i have been asked to interview for two of the two paid internships i applied for so far, for this summer!  i cant reply to the emails yet because meg says i'm intoxicated! iam!  jen's coming over and we're going to watch 24 & i am celebrating because if i interview for 2 i will probably get 1???????

: D

i think this book is changing my life.

i haven't felt this way since i first read Treblinka by jean-francois steiner in ninth grade.

(is education enough?  i want to make a difference, but is teaching kids about human right enough?  does it actual change anything, does anyone learn anything?  i'm not asking these questions out of despair, or because i think they're rhetorical - they're so far from it.  i'm just wondering if the way i lead my life is hypocritical.  i'm thinking that it's the people in the field who make a difference, not the teachers in classrooms.  in the end i don't think that's true, that in the end education is the answer, but how long is it going to take for education to work?  how many kids don't know about darfur, don't know about anything.  fuck.)

tonight clare and i watched a car accident (hit & run) from my window.  i called the police, my first time ever calling 911.  it didn't look like anyone was hurt, but the highway onramp was closed for about an hour, because the guard rail had folded in on one of the cars.

bridge to terabithia is coming out as a movie? dude. one of my favorite books, ever. how did i not know about this? i almost peed my pants/started crying just watching the trailer. (ungh! why? dude, such a sad book.) i might go by myself on friday afternoon when everyone else who would want to watch it will be at school. in fourth grade. unless someone back in ny is also excited and wants me to wait to see it with them? i'm so excited about this.

p.s. i'm home until sunday. i'm not sure if i made that clear. paper is repetitive, but almost done. i'll edit tomorrow.

i used to be happy!

p.s. my back still hurts a lot. please help? This is obviously somewhat psychosomatic, but I will give you baked goods for a massage.

i was thinking today, that i will miss kaleidoscope yarns. maybe wally will say he is sorry by sending me lots of yarn? he must pass pretty near there on his way to and from work, and i certainly deserve some nice hand-painted machine washable sock yarn (something like, say cherry tree hill supersock in the monet colorway? or lorna's laces shepherd sock?). i'm just musing, you know. i mean, he was supposed to be saving up to pay rent while living with me, so i know he can afford to buy me a (few) $22 hanks of yarn that will make a pair of socks each. just, thinking out loud, you know.

(yes, he reads this. i may not be a bitchy ex-girlfriend but that is the most amazing yarn store ever and i'm really upset that i'll never go there again. the ones here and in melbourne just don't match up. lalaine in berlin was, admittedly, just as awesome. it is more likely i will ever go there again, though, than to vermont. and i like knitting socks.)

while i'm at it, i may as well think out loud to the rest of the world and say that my back has been hurting/cracking a lot and i love you. especially those of you who give good massages. um.

Monday night = 24!!! I am also downloading lots of project runway.